1236
1
Let the games begin.
1
Never give a sucker an even break.
5
The ant has made himself illustrious
Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?
2
The cow is of the bovine ilk...
One end is moo; the other milk.
1
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
1
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
1
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
1
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
1
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
1
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
1
A day without sunshine is like night.
1
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
1
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
1
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
1
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
1
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
1
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
1
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
1
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
1
A penny saved is ridiculous.
1
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
1
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
1
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
1
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
1
Absence makes the heart go wander.
1
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
1
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
1
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
1
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
1
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
1
Air is water with holes in it
1
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
1
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
1
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
1
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
1
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
1
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
1
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
1
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
1
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
1
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
1
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
1
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
1
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
1
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
1
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
1
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
1
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
1
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
1
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
1
Avoid reality at all costs.
1
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
1
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
1
BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
1
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
1
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
1
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
1
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
1
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
1
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
1
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
1
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
1
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
1
Brain fried -- Core dumped
1
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
1
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
1
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
1
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
1
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
1
Chicken Little was right.
1
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
1
Cleveland still lives.  God ____must be dead.
1
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
1
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
1
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
1
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
1
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
1
Condense soup, not books!
1
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
1
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
1
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
1
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
1
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
1
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
1
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
1
Disc space -- the final frontier!
1
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
1
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
1
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
1
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
1
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
1
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
1
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
1
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
1
Don't feed the bats tonight.
1
Don't get even -- get odd!
1
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
1
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
1
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
1
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
1
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
1
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
1
Down with categorical imperative!
1
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
1
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
1
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
1
Elevators smell different to midgets
1
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
1
Error in operator: add beer
1
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
1
Every solution breeds new problems.
1
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
1
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
1
Everything you know is wrong!
1
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
1
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
1
Excellent time to become a missing person.
1
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
1
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
1
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
1
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
1
Familiarity breeds attempt
1
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
1
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
1
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
1
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
1
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
1
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
1
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
1
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
1
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
1
George Orwell was an optimist.
1
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
1
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
1
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
1
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
1
God is real, unless declared integer.
1
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
1
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
1
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
1
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
1
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
1
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
1
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
1
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
1
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
1
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
1
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
1
Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
1
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
1
Great minds run in great circles.
1
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
1
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
1
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
1
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
1
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
1
Help fight continental drift.
1
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
1
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
1
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
1
Hindsight is an exact science.
1
Hire the morally handicapped.
1
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
1
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
1
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
1
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
1
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
1
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
1
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
1
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
1
I doubt, therefore I might be.
1
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
1
I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
1
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
1
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
1
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
1
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
1
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
1
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
1
If anything can go wrong, it will.
1
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
1
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
1
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
1
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
1
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
1
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
1
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
1
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
1
If you can read this, you're too close.
1
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
1
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
1
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
1
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
1
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
1
If you're happy, you're successful.
1
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
1
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
1
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
1
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
1
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
1
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
1
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
1
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
1
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
1
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
1
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
1
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
1
Join the march to save individuality!
1
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
1
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
1
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
1
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
1
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
1
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
1
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
1
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
1
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
1
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
1
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
1
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
1
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
1
Look out!  Behind you!
1
Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
1
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
1
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
1
Love is sentimental measles.
1
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
1
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
1
Lysistrata had a good idea.
1
Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
1
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
1
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
1
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
1
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
1
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
1
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
1
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
1
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
1
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
1
Money is the root of all wealth.
1
Mother is the invention of necessity.
1
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
1
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
1
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
1
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
1
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
1
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
1
Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
1
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
1
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
1
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
1
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
1
New systems generate new problems.
1
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
1
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
1
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
1
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
1
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
1
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
1
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
1
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
1
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
1
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
1
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
1
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
1
Of what you see in books, believe 7
1
Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
1
OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
1
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
1
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
1
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
1
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
1
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
1
Only God can make random selections.
1
Optimization hinders evolution.
1
Optimization hinders evolution.
1
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
1
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
1
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
1
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
1
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
1
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
1
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
1
Pick another fortune cookie.
1
Please ignore previous fortune.
1
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
1
Polymer physicists are into chains.
1
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
1
Predestination was doomed from the start.
1
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
1
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
1
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
1
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
1
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
1
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
1
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
1
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
1
Real Users know your home telephone number.
1
Real Users never use the Help key.
1
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
1
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
1
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
1
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
1
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
1
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
1
Save energy: be apathetic.
1
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
1
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
1
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
1
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
1
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
1
Serenity through viciousness.
1
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
1
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
1
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
1
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
1
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
1
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
1
Sorry, no fortune this time.
1
Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
1
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
1
Spelling is a lossed art.
1
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
1
Stay away from flying saucers today.
1
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
1
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
1
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
1
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
1
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
1
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
1
Support your local police force -- steal!!
1
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
1
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
1
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
1
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
1
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
1
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
1
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
1
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
1
The bigger the theory the better.
1
The bogosity meter just pegged.
1
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
1
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
1
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
1
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
1
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
1
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
1
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
1
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
1
The revolution will not be televised.
1
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
1
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
1
The sum of the Universe is zero.
1
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
1
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
1
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
1
There are no games on this system.
1
There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
1
There is no time like the pleasant.
1
There's no future in time travel
1
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
1
They also surf who only stand on waves.
1
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
1
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
1
Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
1
Think honk if you're a telepath.
1
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
1
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
1
This fortune intentionally not included.
1
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
1
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
1
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
1
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
1
Those who can't write, write manuals.
1
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
1
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
1
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
1
To err is human, to moo bovine.
1
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
1
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
1
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
1
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
1
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
1
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
1
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
1
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
1
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
1
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
1
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
1
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
1
Virtue is its own punishment.
1
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
1
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
1
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
1
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
1
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
1
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
1
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
1
Wasting time is an important part of living.
1
We can predict everything, except the future.
1
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
1
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
1
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
1
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
1
What I tell you three times is true.
1
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
1
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
1
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
1
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
1
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
1
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
1
What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
1
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
1
Whatever became of eternal truth?
1
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
1
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
1
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
1
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
1
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
1
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
1
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
1
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
1
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
1
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
1
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
1
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
1
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
1
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
1
You are the only person to ever get this message.
1
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
1
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
1
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
1
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
1
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
1
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
1
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
1
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
1
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
1
You too can wear a nose mitten.
1
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
1
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
1
You're at the end of the road again.
1
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
1
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
1
Your lucky color has faded.
1
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
1
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
1
A hard man is good to find.
1
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
1
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
1
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
1
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
1
An Army travels on her stomach.
1
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
1
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
1
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
1
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
1
Communists do it without class.
1
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
1
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
1
Do something big -- fuck a giant
1
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
1
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
1
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
1
God isn't dead -- he's been busted
1
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
1
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
1
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
1
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
1
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
1
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
1
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
1
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
1
I am an atheist, thank God!
1
I came; I saw; I fucked up
1
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
1
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
1
Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
1
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
1
Kill a commie for Christ!
1
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
1
Mathematicians do it in theory.
1
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
1
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
1
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
1
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
1
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
1
Physicists do it with charm
1
Politicians do it to everyone.
1
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
1
Reagan can't _a_c_t either
1
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
1
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
1
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
1
Statisticians do it with 9
1
Statisticians probably do it.
1
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
1
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
1
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
1
War is menstruation envy.
1
What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
1
When God created man, She was only testing.
1
Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us. 
1
Out, damned spot! out, I say! 
1
Knowledge is power.--Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.
1
Genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
1
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
1
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
1
Good teaching is one-forth preparation and three-fourths theater.
1
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
1
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 
1
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. 
1
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
1
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. 
1
640K ought to be enough for anybody.  
1
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 
1
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. 
1
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
1
What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?
1
No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.
1
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. 
1
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
1
Ideas are precious.  An idea is the only lever which moves the world.
1
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
1
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
1
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
1
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
1
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
1
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
1
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
1
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
1
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
1
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
1
Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
1
Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
1
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
1
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
1
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
1
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
1
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
1
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
1
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
1
But they went to MARS around 1953!!
1
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
1
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
1
Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
1
Could I have a drug overdose?
1
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
1
Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
1
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
1
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
1
DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
1
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
1
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
1
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
1
Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
1
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
1
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
1
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
1
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
1
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
1
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
1
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
1
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
1
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
1
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
1
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
1
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
1
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
1
Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
1
Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
1
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
1
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
1
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
1
How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
1
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
1
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
1
I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
1
I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
1
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
1
I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
1
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
1
I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
1
I feel better about world problems now!
1
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
1
I feel partially hydrogenated!
1
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
1
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
1
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
1
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
1
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
1
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
1
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
1
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
1
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
1
I invented skydiving in 1989!
1
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
1
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
1
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
1
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
1
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
1
I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
1
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
1
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
1
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
1
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
1
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
1
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
1
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
1
I think my career is ruined!
1
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
1
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
1
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
1
I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
1
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
1
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
1
I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
1
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
1
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
1
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
1
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
1
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
1
I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
1
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
1
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
1
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
1
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
1
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
1
I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
1
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
1
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
1
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
1
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
1
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
1
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
1
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
1
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
1
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
1
I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
1
I'm not available for comment..
1
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
1
I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
1
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
1
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
1
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
1
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
1
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
1
Is it clean in other dimensions?
1
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
1
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
1
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
1
It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
1
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
1
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
1
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
1
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
1
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
1
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
1
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
1
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
1
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
1
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
1
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
1
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! 
1
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.
1
My haircut is totally traditional!
1
MY income is ALL disposable!
1
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
1
My life is a patio of fun!
1
My mind is a potato field ...
1
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
1
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
1
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
1
My vaseline is RUNNING...
1
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
1
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
1
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
1
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 2
1
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
1
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
1
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
1
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
1
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
1
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
1
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
1
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
1
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
1
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
1
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
1
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
1
The Korean War must have been fun.
1
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
1
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
1
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
1
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
1
TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
1
Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
1
Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
1
UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
1
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
1
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
1
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
1
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
1
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
1
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
1
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
1
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
1
What PROGRAM are they watching?
1
What UNIVERSE is this, please??
1
What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
1
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
1
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
1
Where does it go when you flush?
1
Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
1
Where's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!
1
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
1
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
1
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
1
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
1
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
1
World War III?  No thanks!
1
Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!
1
You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
1
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
1
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
1
You were s'posed to laugh!
1
Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
1
Yow!  Are we laid back yet?
1
Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
1
Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
1
Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
1
Yow!  I threw up on my window!
1
Yow!  I want my nose in lights!
1
Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
1
Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
1
Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
1
Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
1
Yow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
1
Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
1
Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
1
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
1
YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
1
YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
1
YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
1
YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
1
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
1
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
1
It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays.
1
Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded!
1
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
1
Pitching always beats batting -- and vice-versa.
1
Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical.
1
It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future.
1
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler
1
When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
1
The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing.
1
Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have.
1
Information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom.
1
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
1
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
1
Not everybody knows everything, so use everything you know.
1
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
1
Never mistake motion for action.
1
Well done is better than well said.
1
640K ought to be enough for anybody.  - Bill Gates
1
Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
1
The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt.
1
You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. 
1
Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 
1
If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes. 
1
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. 
1
It is always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
1
Out of sight, out of mind.
1
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
1
Never give a sucker an even break.
1
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
1
The art of a people is a true mirror to their minds.
1
Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion.
1
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
1
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
1
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
1
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
1
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
1
Copmuters are useless.  They can only give you answers.
1
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
1
Of all the varieties of virtues, liberalism is the most beloved.
1
A religious conservative is a fanatic about a dead radical.
1
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
1
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
1
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
1
I like the word 'indolence'.  It makes my laziness seem classy.
1
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!
1
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
1
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish.
1
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
1
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
1
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
1
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
1
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
1
The trick is to stop thinking it as `your' money.
1
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
1
I am not an economist.  I am an honsest man!
1
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
1
I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire.
1
When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
1
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
1
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
1
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
1
To teach is to learn twice.
1
Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.
1
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
1
I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations.
1
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
1
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
1
Everyone wants to be Cary Grant.  Even I want to be Cary Grant.
1
Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
1
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
1
Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.
1
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
1
Trouble brings experience, and experience brings wisdom.
1
Experience is what you got by not having it when you need it.
1
Silence is the virtue of fools.
1
There's no fool like an old fool -- you can't beat experience.
1
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do.
1
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
1
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
1
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
1
What is a friend?  A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
1
True friendship is never serene.
1
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
1
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
1
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
1
He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.
1
Legend--a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
1
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
1
Even God cannot change the past.
1
What is history but a fable agreed upon?
1
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
1
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
1
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
1
History is made at night.  Character is what you are in the dark.
1
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
1
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.
1
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
1
A joke is a very serious thing.
1
Humor is a universal language.
1
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
1
Each life makes its own immitation of immortality.
1
Learning that we're only immortal --
1
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
1
The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.
1
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
1
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
1
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
1
The little I know I owe to my ignorance.
1
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
1
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
1
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
1
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
1
Language is a virus from outer space.
1
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.
1
How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.
1
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
1
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.
1
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
1
Thomas Jefferson--still surv...
1
Now comes the mystery.
1
Friends applaud, the Comedy is over.
1
I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used.
1
Goodbye, Everybody!
1
Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing.
1
The nourishment is palatable.
1
More light!
1
Dieu me pardonnera.  C'est son mtier.
1
(God will forgive me.  It's his job.)
1
This is the fourth?
1
Go on, get out.  Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
1
Drink to me.
1
Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
1
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---
1
What is the answer?  In that case, what is the question?
1
Don't let it end like this.  Tell them I said something.
1
I still live.
1
Go away...I'm alright.
1
Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
1
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
1
Justice is incidental to law and order.
1
Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.
1
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
1
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
1
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
1
Don't take life too seriously.  You'll never get out alive.
1
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
1
People find life entirely too time-consuming.
1
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
1
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
1
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
1
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
1
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
1
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
1
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
1
Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
1
Love is a hole in the heart.
1
Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and VERY important.
1
People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
1
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
1
Love in its essence is spiritual fire.
1
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
1
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
1
I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.
1
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
1
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
1
Nature abhors secord order differential equations.
1
Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is.
1
95% of this game is half mental.
1
Since when was genius found respectable?
1
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
1
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
1
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
1
Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong.
1
Don't play dumb.  You're not as good at it as I am.
1
Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
1
Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the answers.
1
Like most intellectuals, he is imensely stupid.
1
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
1
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
1
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
1
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
1
Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
1
Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.
1
I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
1
A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
1
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
1
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
1
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
1
We have deep depth.
1
We made too many wrong mistakes.
1
You can observe a lot by just watching.
1
A kiss is a rosy dot over the 'i' of loving.
1
What is now proved was once only imagined.
1
 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
1
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
1
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage.
1
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
1
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
1
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
1
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
1

1
which they are dashed to pieces.
1
Sigmund Freud.
1
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
1
I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.
1
Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society.
1
We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look.
1
A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.
1
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
1
Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
1
Every once in a while a film comes along.  This is such a film.
1
 something to blame instead of changing himself.
1
It's only words . . . unless they're true.
1
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.
1
I am a sociologist, God help me.
1
I never make stupid mistakes.  Only very, very clever ones.
1
I didn't think; I experimented.
1
If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.
1
Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.
1
I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
1
Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.
1
Above all nations is humanity.
1
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
1
Ideas won't keep; something must be done about them.
1
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
1
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
1
I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
1
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.
1
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
1
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
1
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
1
It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.
1
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
1
All the sex and twice the violence... HARSH realm.
1
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
1
A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
1
I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.
1
Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.
1
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
1
The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
1
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
1
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
1
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
1
I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
1
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can.
1
A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air.
1
Republicans employ exterminators.  Democrats step on bugs.
1
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
1
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
1
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
1
The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.
1
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
1
Procrastination is the thief of time.
1
The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.
1
Nothing is really work unless you'd rather be doing something else.
1
To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
1
I want to know all Gods thoughts...all the rest are just details.
1
I could prove God statistically.
1
Who says I am not under the special protection of God?
1
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
1
I believe in god, I just don't like him.
1
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
1
The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.
1
There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.
1
It's great to be young and insane.
1
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
1
The investigator should have a robust faith -- and yet not believe.
1
Experience is the mother of science.
1
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
1
Science is organized knowledge.  Wisdom is organized life.
1
Science when well digested is nothing but good sense and reason.
1
Any clod can have the facts; having opinions is an ART.
1
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
1
Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.
1
Science is organized knowledge.
1
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
1
Gyroscope, n.:
1
Clarke's First Law:
1
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
1
Research is the act of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
1
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.
1
There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.
1
Do, or do not.  There is no try.
1
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
1
Sex alleviates tension.  Love causes it.
1
I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
1
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
1
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
1
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
1
I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
1
If you go to see the woman, do not forget the whip.
1
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
1
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
1
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
1
There are three kinds of lies:  Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
1
49% of all statistics . . . are wrong.
1
49% of the U.S. population belongs to some minority group.
1
82.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
1
My play was a complete success.  The audience was a failure.
1
If A equals success, then the formula is:
1
   A= X + Y + Z
1
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
1
It's not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
1
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
1
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
1
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
1
Truth sits upon the lips of dying men.
1
Fiction is the truth inside the lie.
1
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
1
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
1
God does not play dice with the universe.
1
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
1
Reality is good for you...in small doses.
1
The universe is laughing behind your back.
1
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
1
Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.)
1
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
1
Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.
1
I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.
1
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
1
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
1
I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.
1
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
1
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
1
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
1
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.
1
Any time you got nothing to do--and lots of time to do it--come on up.
1
The score never interested me, only the game.
1
Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.
1
It's not the men in my life that counts-- it's the life in my men.
1
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
1
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
1
There are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.
1
The best way to learn to be a lady is to see how other ladies do it.
1
When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
1
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
1
Men are easy to get but hard to keep.
1
It's easy to get married, but hard to stay that way.
1
A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.
1
Life's just a merry-go-round. Come on up. You might get a brass ring.
1
An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.
1
If you put your foot in it, be sure it's your best foot.
1
The best way to behave is to misbehave.
1
He who hesitates is last.
1
I'm single because I was born that way.
1
Marriage is a great institution. No family should be without it.
1
Don't ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays.
1
Yeah, honey, but you can't prove a thing.
1
Come up and see me sometime.
1
We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
1
If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all
1
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas 
1
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago
1
The internet is a great way to get on the net 
1
It is bad luck to be superstitious 
1
He was a man of great statue 
1
It's like an alcatraz around my neck 
1
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. 
1
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. 
1
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 
1
It's like deja vu all over again. 
1
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese 
1
The loss of life will be irreplaceable. 
1
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. 
1
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 
1
Half this game is ninety percent mental. 
1
Without censorship, things get terribly confused in the public mind. 
1
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. 
1
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. 
5
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
5
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
5
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
5
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
5
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
5
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
5
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
5
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
5
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
5
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
10
All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
5
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
4
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her, life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
5
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
8
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You MUST have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
5
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
5
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
5
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
5
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
5
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
5
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
10
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
5
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
5
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
5
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
5
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
5
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
5
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
5
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
5
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
5
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
5
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
5
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
5
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
5
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
5
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
5
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
5
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
5
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
5
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
5
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
5
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
5
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
5
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
5
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
5
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
5
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
5
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
5
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
5
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
5
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
26
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away
D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach
F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug,
H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake
J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea
N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl,
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits
T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una  who slipped down a drain
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie embedded in ice,
X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in
Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
5              
An amorous bull known as Morton
Was arrested for stampin' and snortin'.
When released from his cell
He was madder'n hell,
For the season had passed for cavortin'.
5
They said stairs were the reason Bill Clinton
Was arrested from golfin' and sprintin'.
It sounded less wimpy
Than saying, "He's gimpy
From wrenching his knee at badminton."
5
A thieving old fellow named Charlie
Was arrested while riding a Harley.
They wrote in the log:
"It isn't his hog,
And his lawyer's requesting a parley."
5
In Las Vegas a maiden named Carol
Was arrested for wearing a barrel.
She'd not drawn the joker
While playing strip poker
And lost all her other apparel.
5
A dastardly fellow named Willie
Was arrested for stealing a filly.
Did they say, "That's O. K.,
She was lame anyway,
So we're letting you go?"  Not really.
5
Out in Sherwood a cranky old coot
Was arrested for hooting a hoot
And then giggling a bit
While depositing grit
In the Sheriff of Nottingham's boot.
5
A lady who lived in Berlin
Was arrested for wearing a grin.
So she said, "I suppose
I must get in my clothes,
Though I'd rather be out than be in."
5
Orson Bean, raconteur and buffoon,
Was arrested for trying to moon
Her Majesty's Piper
While attached to the viper
He found in the wilds of Gaboon.
5
An Irish Republican, Sawyer,
Was arrested for maiming a lawyer.
He was sentenced to tea
With Ms. Molly Magee,
For the jury thought he would enjoy 'er.
5
An English professor named Mae
Was arrested for stealing away.
As she also stole home,
Asked: "Where do you roam?"
She found very little to say.
5
Telepathic old alien Fred
Was arrested on Mars when he said:
"It's a source of much mirth
That a creature on Earth
To converse uses holes in its head."
5
A jolly old fellow named Hugh
Was arrested for saying: "Look; snoo!"
"What's snoo?" they would cry,
And he'd always reply:
"Oh, nothing much; what's new with you?"
5
Pythagoras, rarely obtuse,
Was arrested for brainchild abuse,
Claiming: "Squares on these mothers,
Like cool, man; just covers
The one on the hypotenuse."
5
Ampere, combing Volta's toupee,
Was arrested (ecstatic, they say),
And wired to Watt:
"I was shocked; I forgot
That Volta'd be Ohm Faraday.
5
Kaczynski, allegedly Una,
Was arrested, and might have been sooner,
Had a waitress he knew
But reported the clue
That he savored black powder on tuna.
5
Alleged Unabomber, Kaczynski,
Was arrested for deadly intentski.
"We deduced who he was,"
Crowed the Federal Fuzz,
"The twelfth time he bought powder and flintski."
5
Our Senate, whose wit (as suspected)
Was arrested, will keep us protected.
What kids see on the Net
Not the motive, we fret,
But obsession to be re-elected.
5
Casanova, as minstrels have sung,
Was arrested and never got sprung.
But how could they say,
"He just withered away,"
When we all know he must have been hung?
5
A disconsolate loser named Gino
Was arrested for pouting at Keno.
To gamble long-faced
Is considered bad taste,
And a misdemeanor, in Reno.
5
A priest with a sacred appointment
Was arrested for skipping anointment.
'Twas not being greased
That bothered the priest,
So much as the fly in the ointment.
5
Our Congress, apparently blind,
Was arrested and roundly maligned
For its vow to stick to it
Although we eschew it:
That contract that nobody signed.
5
At Commencement an angry young co-ed
Was arrested for shouting, "It's no ed!
I paid you for Newton,
Bach, Kant and Rasputin,
But all that you offered was Vo-Ed!"
5
The candidate, Senator Dole,
Was arrested for playing the role
Of a Christian right-winger
Who's a Liberal swinger
With a wit that's acerbic, yet droll.
5
A professor who flunked his whole class
Was arrested for having the brass,
In this modern milieu,
To adhere to the view:
"If you don't do the work, you don't pass."
5
The fellow in charge of the Budget
Was arrested for plotting to fudge it.
He happens to think,
Since a budget's just ink,
If you want to revise it, just smudge it.
5
In Music an Aggie fell short,
Was arrested, and taken to court.
He'd proposed in a theme
A more liberal scheme:
To release Mahler's Fifth as a quart.
5
A militant feminist plover
Was arrested while failing to hover.
The claws of her feet
Had been caught in the street
'Neath the rim of a personhole cover.
5
An anchorman fond of his booze
Was arrested while reading the news.
"They're treating me bad;"
He said, "all that I had
Was just one tini many martoos."
5
Another old hermit, named Mose,
Was arrested for filthy old clothes.
"They were left at my cave
By a neighbor named Dave,"
He testified, holding his nose.
5
When a congressman aiding a firm
Was arrested, it made his peers squirm.
To encourage repentance,
His appropriate sentence
Was to serve an unlimited term.
5
In the Senate, presiding, Al Gore
Was arrested, and asked them, "What for?"
He was told: "Don't resist,
For our orders insist
We remove all the blood from the Floor."
5
A crook who used HTTP
Was arrested, just ASAP.
Via HTML
He had read : "See this cell?
W-Y-S-I-W-Y-G."
5
Some guy (Can't remember; who was he?)
Was arrested for logic too fuzzy.
He'd encountered a short
In an Ethernet port
He had tried to connect to a SCSI.
5
In Texas a hunter afield
Was arrested with weapon revealed.
He was told: "While it's fun
To carry a gun,
The law says it must be concealed."
5
A soprano, whose flight to the wings
Was arrested, was told these three things:
"You're going back in;
You've gotten too thin;
You can't leave until that lady sings."
5
That teacher you saw in the clink
Was arrested by pundits who think
"By failing our kids,
You injure their ids;
We're O.K., they're O.K., but you stink!"
5
The man who sits where the buck stops
Was arrested, and told by the cops:
"These little white slips
Are for too many flips,
Alternating with that many flops."
5
That newt who lives down on the floor
Was arrested, and tossed out the door.
He deserved swift disposal
For his modest proposal:
To host a Friars' Roast of the Poor.
5
A professor of paleontology
Was arrested without an apology
For proclaiming that we've
Sprung from Adam and Eve,
And reciting, in class, the Doxology.
5
An incredibly lecherous rorcester
Was arrested for ardor in Worcester.
He has not been let lorces
Since an indignant morces
Swore that, given a borcest, he had gorcest'er.
5
In Topeka a moppet who rocketed,
Was arrested, bespringed and besprocketed.
The springs and the sprockets
That cling to the rockets
In Topeka are not to be pocketed.
5
A pirate who had a tin ear
Was arrested on Buccaneer Pier.
His crime, you should know,
Was his singing: "Yo Ho!
Ho, and a bottle of beer."
5
An unemployed teenage rhinoceros
Was arrested while swimming the Bosphorus.
A hippo he'd dated
Had announced: "We've created
The world's very first hippopoceros."
5
A spokesman for Big Oil men
Was arrested for corporate sin
When he sounded their knell:
"The Chairman of Shell
Is now chauffeured to work on a Schwinn."
1
God helps them that help themselves.
2
Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
1
Plough deep while sluggards sleep.
1
Never leave that till to-morrow which you can do to-day.
1
Three removes are as bad as a fire.
1
Little strokes fell great oaks.
1
He that goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing.
2
Vessels large may venture more,
But little boats should keep near shore.
1
It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
1
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.
1
Remember that time is money.
2
Here Skugg lies snug
As a bug in a rug.
1
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
1
We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
1
He has paid dear, very dear, for his whistle.
